Perfect J. Lo Butts and French Fries

We went to the beach today.  

And this girl  (see above) was next to us with two dudes.   

The first dude was in a Speedo (RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT = not from around  heeeyah).   The other was pudgy and rotund.   He, obviously, enjoyed the finer things in life.  

 (My interpretation.) 

The dudes played ping pong in the surf.  

We were with my friend Meghan, who puts notes around her house reminding her children how to brush their teeth and instructing them how to sit in time-out.   

She also does TRX, kettlebell and weight training on a regular basis and could kick my husband's ass from here to China, just for fun.  

She's even more tough because she from Boston, and she can be  "mean."   Like, crazy-eyed mean.   I've seen this girl be "mean" when she wants to be.  And it frightened the little Iowa girl in me, to see a Boston girl get "mean."   

Midwesterners prefer the passive aggressive moves, but Bostonians get right in the face and tell it like it is.  And it's scary.  

Meghan is also the bikini queen; however, she is the one who took this picture.    Because, yes, even SHE was impressed.

Because...I mean....LOOK AT THAT!  

These are the reasons that this butt pisses me off:

1.  I don't know if you can tell, but she is eating Cheetos.  The BITCH.

2.  I am not really sure I want to deprive myself that much.  I really don't.  Between skinny and an Angus burger and a large fries with extra barbeque sauce......meh?   Meh....

3.  I think that this butt was mostly genes, though.  I am not certain that it was exericse.  She stuffed her face  most of the time time, like it was genes.  Or Bulimia...  (Case in point:  the Cheetos.)

4.  I'm sure she has never had a baby.  And having three, I feel my time is over.   All hope is gone.  But, my time really never began, because I have always been fluffy.  So...where does that leave me?   Dr. Robert Rey, where are you?

5. No, for real.  

Dr. Robert Rey...whatever happened to Dr. Rey?  That was, like, the best t.v. show that E! TV had on it.  Hands DOWN.  I'd do a tummy tuck in two seconds flat.

6.  I want to wear a bikini just once.  Or at least a comfortable MAILLOT.  

(My suit today was NOT COMFORTABLE.  Nor was it cute.  It was functional.  It held my boobs in place, and it might  have had a hole in the ass, as far as YOU know.  There was much spandex and lycra.)

7.  ...but I want to eat like a freaking heifer.    Because everything is SOOOOO tasty.  

8.  That's why I despise her.

9.  And it is so irrational. 

10.  She SOOOOO knew we took this picture of her.