Monday, June 27, 2011

Teen TRX and Moaners at the Gym

We signed my 16 year old up for TRX this summer.

It was a class offered at our gym and is exclusively for teens.  It meets Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the afternoons.

I figured this would serve a couple purposes.  First,  it would get him out of the stink chair he has claimed in front of the  XBOX.

Second,  I thought it would keep him in shape over the summer.  For those of you who have done TRX workouts know they can about kill you if you let them.

Here is an overview video of TRX.  These bitches ladies make it look crazy easy.    It's hard freaking work.

As I was looking for a video to share with you, I found several videos from Mr. Universe, 2009, who does some uber sick moves with the TRX straps to make him look like the Incredible Hulk.

I personally do not find this look attractive.  Personally, I like men who are subtlety muscled.  The ripped look makes me think "seedy" and "oily."   But if you look up "Mr. Universe 2009 TRX," on YouTube, you can see what this workout will make of you if you take it to the extreme.

Today when I dropped him off at TRX, I decided to stay.

I hadn't exercised today and my dinner last night of hushpuppies, chicken nuggets and shame still sat in my belly from last night.

Oh yea, as well as my lunch from Taco Hell, which BY THE WAY which still rumbled like a thundercloud, releasing gaseous waste products that begged to be expelled from my ass.

Not the best idea to go to the gym and get on the treadmill.

I hopped on the treadmill with the best of intentions and since the cardio room was practically empty, I burped and eek out a couple of unladylike farts.  

I was feeling miserable, but I had an entire 50 minutes to kill while Cal was in class, and there was NO WAY I was getting in my car and going home.  Three miles was my goal.  But I was starting to get a stomach ache, and I was starting to feel like there was something more substantive coming behind the toots.

Then a groaner hopped on the treadmill next to me.  I looked around the room and there were NO MORE machines being used.  She got on the one DIRECTLY next to me.  WHY?  Seriously?  I know there are urinal rules;  shouldn't there be treadmill rules too?

The treadmill next to me was a crappy one.  Perhaps she wanted to watch the show on the television in front of it.  I don't know.  What I DID know was that she was in my space and HER weird noises were rudely moving in on MY weird noises.

She was cramping my style.

And I was having serious issues.  I was at about 1.25 and I was hurting, yo.

My shirt was riding up.  I had a wedgie.  I couldn't hold my belly in like I usually do to give the illusion a smaller waistline.


Everything was hanging out and I didn't have the wear-withall to hold myself together.  And she was directly next to me, moaning...and one time said "Oh, YEAAAAAA."

What the frick was this?  The honeymoon  suite?

A mile an a half was all I could take.  I pushed the emergency stop, gathered my belongings and hustled quickly to the elevator.

Yes, my gym has an elevator.  AND stairs.  But I would have to walk past the front desk to get to the stairs.  And there was a desperate look to me.

I took the elevator up to the more private bathrooms which were, mercifully, unoccupied.

I gathered my belongings again, took the elevator back down ~ feeling like a NEW WOMAN, I cannot lie ~ and dropped my belongings next to the moaner.  I hopped back on and did another 1.5....which met my goal of 3 miles.

It was a rough 3 miles.  A little painful.  I won't eat pintos and cheese and a burrito supreme again before I try to jog again, I think.

Just a little life lesson that I will file away for a rainy day.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wordless Wednesday (Twisted Comics)

300 Ponies and Pokemon by Flick-the-Thief

Fire and Ice Cream by Glen Brogan

The Situation Room, Marvel Style

The Super Kiss by Daniel Irizarri Oquendo

Friday, June 17, 2011

Sleeping Naked on Frog Toilets. And Vonnegut.

My daughter is currently sleeping naked on her toddler toilet.   

Her toddler toilet is a frog, and it is placed in front of our regular toilet in our bathroom.  Her head is resting on the toilet seat in front of her.   

I would take a picture of this, but since she dropped my IPhone in the toilet about an hour ago, I am not able to do so.   

And I am wondering how other mothers do this.  Like the Duggars.  Extreme example, I know...but I'm totally serious.  Or people with three toddlers at once.  

I have a friend with triplets.  How did she do it without drowning herself?   

I losing my marbles...trying to be patient all the time.  Because being patient is definitely not in my nature.   

It takes every little thread of effort I have within me sometimes to even be NICE.   I don't think of myself as a particularly nice person.

The poop smears and crying is the threshold at which I am about to jump and fall...fall...fall...  I'm cracking.  

I'm reading Kurt Vonnegut books, and he is starting to make sense ~ he may be brilliant even.  Why yes....mirrors could be  "leaks."  Time travel certainly could be possible....why not?

I've been out in public lately with eyebrows done in purple eyeshadow. I thought it was brown.  No one said anything. 

I made it through most of the day with one dangly earring.    No one said anything.

I forgot to put deodorant on one armpit yesterday.  I was in Target and I smelled this horrendous stench and I became really angry.  

Body odor makes me really crazy angry.  Because it is so avoidable.  I mean, MIND YOUR FUNK, people.  Then...I smelled my right armpit and realized the stench was coming from ME.  ME!!  I got my dinner items and hustled home quickly. 

I wanted to go to Zumba this morning,  but I have a kid sleeping on the toilet.    

And as she fell asleep, apparently, she dropped my IPhone in the toilet.  

              "I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. 
              Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center." 
Kurt Vonnegut


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Prey and Zumba

Everyone left the room about a half hour ago and I just realized that Yo Gabba Gabba is still on.  Such is my life these days.  

I'm trying to gather the strength to shower.  I returned a while ago from the gym, where I did a horrendously embarrassing, floppy hour of Zumba.  I'm waiting to air dry.

We need to go out and buy a mouse for Wes's ball python.

This ball python eats live case you are wondering.  If you buy your snake from a place like "politically correct" store like Petsmart, it will eat frozen mice.   And apparently, if you tell them that you are buying a mouse from them with the intention of feeding it to a snake, they may refuse to sell it to you.   Because doing so is not humane.

But I don't understand...what about the freezing part?  I think death by  freezing would sort of suck, too.  Whatever.

However, this snake does not eat frozen mice.  

The mice cost about 1.75, which is pretty cheap to feed a pet.

When we buy them, they put them in a little box with plastic film lining and small holes in the top for air  vents.

Last week's mouse was uber crafty and mostly chewed through the box by the time we got home.

I didn't notice that it was doing this.  **I** thought that it was trying to get out through the air vents, so I ordered Calvin to put a book on top of the vents as he held the box in his lap.

Little did he know...the little shiester was chewing his way out the bottom.   Can you IMAGINE having a loose mouse in the car as you are driving?  I cannot. ~  I would die, I think.

Horrible creatures, although they ARE very cute and I feel a tiny bit badly about feeding it to Bucky.  But not this guy....I practically threw him in the snake's cage.

I started Zumba a couple of weeks ago.   The only thing that I have really lost are the baggy t-shirts.  I hate looking like the newbie in the class...and even the fatties are wearing tank tops.  So...a tank top it is.

I've also started logging on to  I did for about a week and I had so many error messages that I canceled.  And MyFitnessPal is free.   I like free.  And it is sort of like Facebook;  I'm all over that.  You can add friends, and comment on people's stuff.  It's up my alley.

Anywho, to the shower I go because a mouse I have to get.  Don't be so jealous.  You know you want a ball python that eats live mice, too.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I HEART my Mom

I'm going to buy this for Maggie and make her wear it.

She is still learning how to speak clearly, so people can't understand most of what she says.

She can't express "my mother is a bitch, " or that she ranted and raged today as she cleaned up all the cups lying around because no one uses the same cup twice in this house.  And there were no less than 20 lying around.  And we run an entire dishwasher load per day of CUPS.  OMG!!!!!!!

Or that "she freaked out about the poop smears all over my various toilet seats all over the house....because... you know:  A "bowel movement" can't be a normal even in our house and has to span across no less than two days.  

I'm going to make her wear the "I love my Mom" shirt.  Because I can and I'm bigger than she is.    And when she is in therapy for issues with her mother....well...she can read this blog.

And tell the therapist how "I tried."


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Transformers 3 and Megan Fox

Transformers 3 is releasing at the end of June and I am super duper excited.

The first Transformers came out when Chris was in Iraq.   We all went to see it when he came home in August of 2007.  I was newly knocked up and didn't even know it yet.

Transformers 2:  Meh.

But I am holding out hopes for this one.

I heard it's better than T2 and that is all I can hope for.  And Megan Fox is gone.

Who, for some reason, bugs the crap out of me .

"Aw, she's probably jealous of Megan Fox," you are thinking.

And you know what?  You may be right. I was tagged on some beach photos on Facebook today that were pretty horrifying.  Bad angle?  Bad bathing suit?  Um, no.  

It's the casseroles, Asiago and wine.   Everything is freaking DELICIOUS.  

Nevertheless, she still bugs me.

And this whole "the sex symbol thing is NOT ME!" and "too Spice Girl for Michael Bay?"

I'm not buying it.

The sex symbol gimick has made her millions of dollars.   She has been on the "sexiest" lists all over the world of magazines since the Transformers debut in 2007.  

What's the saying?   "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

What followed  were nasty comments from her about the film's director, Michael Bay, and a responding (scathing) letter from the crew members of the Transformers movies spilling details of Fox's tantrums and unprofessionalim.

Such drama!  

But look!   A Victoria's Secret model has replaced her!

So, Fox goes out and does an Armani underwear campaign.

Please, tell me she isn't comfortable with the "sex symbol status" with an underwear campaign and pictures like this?



She still bugs me.

After you look at THOSE pictures, WTF is up with this one???