Thursday, August 26, 2010

What You Will Do to Get Your Keys out of a Public Toilet

I heard once that Murphy's Law states that "anything dropped in the bathroom will land in the toilet."

I suppose that this statement is even more true if you are locked in a Pepto-Bismol colored vestibule with barely enough room to turn around and shut the door without squatting over the crapper.

I had no pockets in my gym shorts and was juggling my car key, an Ipod, water bottle and a towel. As I set these contents on the back toilet, I watched helplessly as my one and only SUV key slid off the back of the tank and into the toilet.

The toilet appeared to be fairly clean, thankfully. Quite honestly, it looked a hell of a lot cleaner than any of my toilets at home, some of which look like diarrhea fest 2010 occurred in them. Hey, I have TOLD you guys I am not Suzy home maker.

I stuck my hand in and grabbed them, feeling a hopeless resignation. At least it wasn't the Ipod.

I had barely made it to the bathroom in the first place. I was on about 2.50 miles on the treadmill before the painful rumbling in my belly forced me to hit "Stop" and go search for the nearest bathroom.

I guess I am happy I didn't run outside today, or I would be squatting in bushes. I have heard "real runners" sometimes do this during races. I don't know if I could do it. I would rather implode.

I was so annoyed, because I had completed a successful, albeit messy, four mile run on Tuesday. I was working toward it again today. I was half way through my This American Life podcast when I realized that the four miles weren't going to happen.

Which is how I found myself in the stall designed for an Oompah Loompah, not a 5'9" big boned girl who had just dropped her keys in the toilet, reached her hand in and fished them out. I didn't want to wipe my dripping hand on my shorts so I shook it off a bit and gingerly peeled (as fast as I could...the stomach pain was relentless) my soaked workout clothes off and sat down.

I noticed then that there was no toilet paper. NO TOILET PAPER. Seriously...I pulled up my soaking wet underpants and shorts and waddled over to another Ooompah Loompah stall and sat there for a minimum of ten minutes, listening to a vapid discussion about cheer leading. Oh, God. It was so fascinating, I just about pooped myself. Wait a minute....

I usually would care if someone noticed that I was in a stall for about ten minutes, but I didn't even care today. I was too disappointed that I missed my four mile run today, by a mere mile and a half. I got on the miserable elliptical machine and did fifteen minutes and listened to the screaming children being dropped off and picked up at the nursery.

My child had screamed and was a snotty, wild mess when I dropped her off today, too.

I suppose this is what one would call an "unsatisfactory gym experience" day. Tomorrow WILL be better. I am now training for this. I will write more about it the future. I now mean business.

1 comment:

Kailan said...

I got a good one. Josh was driving his work truck and had to stop and go to the bathroom. As he pulled his pants off, the keys in his pocket (the only work truck keys) fell right into the toilet. Thanks to the automatic flusher, down they went. He asks the deaf (literally) store clerk if there's a way to get to the sewage. (?!?) She points to this area where you can lift this cover off and vwalla, there the sewage is, all the crap that's been flushed.... eeee. He goes in after the keys he could barely see, ends up using a tool to get them out. So gross. Washes them tons of times and they still stunk like poo.