I quit making New Year's Resolutions a long time ago.
This year, however, I have made a simple vow: not to run out of toilet paper in my house.
I vow that no one will have to use paper towels, napkins ripped off from the last fast food restaurant we visited, or dried out baby wipes. It seems simple enough, right?
I actually thought about making a resolution to keep my house clean. But...that was sort of a joke. I look around and am not sure when the last time the carpet was vacuumed. I'm sure Chris was the one who did it because I have been in a mood lately....a laissez-faire mood.
My weeks have generally consisted of one day that have had one unusual burst of energy and I get a lot of things done. Then.....nothing. Nada.
At least I pretty much kicked that nasty habit of taking a nap every day.
It wasn't because I wanted to; it was out of necessity.
One can't really take naps when she has a child who will wreck shit if left alone. And I really MISS those naps, because things have been a little more stressful around here.
About a month ago, Maggie stopped taking dumps. She has started killing herself trying to hold those bad boys in.
I will glance at her and she will be fiercely squeezing her butt cheeks together, face purple, with a look of blind exertion that appears to be causing her eyeballs to practically pop out of her head.
On another note, I started seeing a new doctor this week who seems decent. I am thrilled that she is tall, sort of homely and most importantly ~ chubby.
I hate going to pretty and skinny female doctors.
There's something about them that makes me feel like a complete and utter loser...like I could have been them if I would have tried just a little bit harder and the pharmaceutical companies would have released certain types of medications to straighten my imbalances out just a few years sooner.
Instead, I flailed around internally and banged my head against the wall ~figuratively speaking~ for years. By that time, I was pudgy and was already sort of a screw up.
Looking at "together" female doctors reminds me of this. And I secretly hate them.
So when my new doctor walked in, I was happy to see she probably weighs more than I do.
She wasn't happy, however, about my Xanax usage.
"You take this every day," she asked.
"Um. Mostly. Yes?"
"Because it is habit forming."
In my mind, I was saying, "So what?"
Everything I do has a propensity of being habit forming.
I was watching this new show on bizarre addictions on TLC this week and this girl was addicted to body building. Another was addicted to sucking her thumb. Yet another was addicted to eating toilet paper.
Yeah, the toilet paper one was really bizarre...and probably was pretty harmful. Can you imagine?
But my point is that anything can be habit forming if you let it.
I'm addicted to coffee and caffeine. I'm addicted to Chapstick. I'm addicted to going to thrift stores. I'm addicted to putting cayenne pepper on my food. I'm addicted to needing to check myself out in the mirror every time I get in the car. I could go on and on.
Add Xanax to the list. No, really. Please do. At least I'm not addicted to eating two ply toilet paper, or licking doorknobs. Or doing something so horrifically anti-social which causes my family to cringe, mortified and unwilling to claim me as their own.
Anyway, the toilet paper I buy is one-ply. It's the cheap crap. The family used to complain but they finally got over it.
I bought the good stuff one time and I spent the entire two stupid weeks it took to use up that 24 pack plunging toilets because the morons didn't understand the usage rules of two-ply toilet paper (i.e. less is more).
So, my new years resolution is not to run out of toilet paper, and not eat it. And not to worry about habit forming medication, because I don't give a flying foogaysie, because we're all going to die anyway. I'll just be a little more relaxed, and a little less of a weirdo on my way out.