Benefit Makeup and Emergency Poops, Metaphorically Speaking

I'm kind of pissed in an "I'm just a little annoyed" sort of way.

Somehow I landed myself on a Sephora e-mail list. I receive regular e-mails about their specials and products, all of which I delete immediately.

Today, however, I was feeling particularly plain.

My highlights are almost to the point of looking neglected and the five pounds that I lost in the past week (more on that in a bit) was hardly a drop in the hat.

Also, this morning was a little rough for the middle child. This is because he "goes from zero to sixty" and, according to my husband, is "just like me." There was a lot of screaming, crying and yelling before school this morning. And don't even get me started on Wesley's behavior.

I had a caged, panicky feeling and I just wanted to run away and drive south. The problem is, there isn't a whole lot south of here. I am south.

So, to run away, I suppose I would have to dig out the passport and flee via airplane to the Bahamas. Or Grand Cayman. Or, oh my God ~~ anywhere where there is not screaming children.

I was also worn down a little bit because for the past two evenings after dinner, Chris has put the boys to work. One empties the dishwasher. The other cleans off the dishes from dinner and loads the dishwasher right back up.

This has caused a tremendous amount of contention in our household. Which is funny, because you wouldn't think that sort of job would be contentious. Oh, but it is.

I firmly believe the trade-off makes perfect sense. Sort of a "tit for tat," and/or "I scratch your back, you scratch mine" type chore.

For example, we (the parents) will provide shelter for you. We (the parents) will wash and fold your clothes and will make every effort to keep your lunch money account from hitting the negative amounts. We will provide clean ~if not cluttered ~ common living areas for you to relax in and enjoy.

We (the parents) will also provide you with a normal, healthy ~emotionally and physically ~ family dinner during which we (the parents) will be appropriately interested about your day, your schoolwork and your activities.

In return, we (the parents) ask YOU (the children) to occasionally clean your rooms, get good grades and do the dishes.

I feel as if these negotiations are completely fair. However.

The past two nights have found me in my room with a pillow over my ears trying to block out the screaming and fighting coming from the kitchen.

The turmoil in the house had taken a toll on me and I felt that, even with my sunglasses on, I didn't feel like the pop star I could potentially be mistaken for. There was no fooling anyone today. Actually, there has been no fooling anybody for the past two years.

I decided, to boost my spirits, to check out the Sephora specials. One stood out: The Benefit package. I love Benefit makeup because I am a whore for a well-marketed and adorably packaged product.

You can click HERE to see it. It was such an unbelievable deal. ALL FULL SIZED products and was worth SO much more than what they were selling it for.

After a while of "should I's" or "shouldn't I's" I decided to just do it. I hadn't purchased anything "special" and "girly" for myself in ages and ages. I would even be home to get the package before my husband noticed. He would never know.

It was then that I noticed that it was OUT OF STOCK. I had JUST received the e-mail. HOW can it be out of stock that fast? I looked up the Sephora locations...and the closest one was 45 minutes away. Dagnabbit!

So instead, I dressed myself and Maggie and went to Ross' and TJ Maxx. I bought some conditioner for my hair. Sort of a necessity because I was completely out, but sort of a splurge because it was the Tigi brand and cost $11.99. I also bought a gift for my secret sister.

Then I went through the Chick Fil A drive thru for a chicken wrap. I gave the waffle fries to Maggie. It was 4:30pm and this was my dinner.

This brings me back to my diet.

One of my friends is from the Phillipines. She swears that the reason she is a size ZERO is that she doesn't eat after dinner. I suspect it has something to do with her genes, but whatever.

I stopped eating after dinner. I decided that if I am going to have a binge, I'm going to do it around noon. And if I do over eat I am going to have only a salad for dinner.

Also, I swore off my chardonnay to once a week. Preferably during Thursday night television.

Honestly folks, I have quickly realized there is not much else to stay awake for at night. I love my husband and enjoy his company, but not THAT much. I've been going to bed at 8:00 p.m.

I truly think that my husband would prefer me fat, slightly tipsy and great, witty company. Instead I am sober, boring and losing weight. I dunno.

He would vehemently disagree, but deep down? I am certain he feels this way and might admit it to himself if he did a little soul searching.

So, combined with a little daily walking, I lost several pounds. I keep telling myself it is a marathon, not a sprint. That all sounds well and good, but marathons suck and are painful.

And sometimes, from what I hear, marathon runners have to take emergency dumps during the race. They sometimes actually need to pull their pants down and crap on the side of the road!

I am not sure if this is true, but I will use it anyway as a metaphor for my weight loss journey: I'm sure at some point, I will feel as if I have to crap on the side of the road. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

I will keep checking back on the Sephora special and I hope it will be available soon. I am viewing the comments on the product review and there are a lot of disappointed people.

I'll just be patient, knowing that I will look dumpy for a little bit longer. By this summer, I vow to be in my un-dumpy clothes. I have a closet full of them and I will be as boring as needed until I can fit into all of them.