It's An Accountability Thing

I am  a walking health disaster.   It's embarrassing.

I feel like those people on the show Hoarders, but the "house" is my body.  And the mess that I have been trying to keep hidden for so long has started to spill out and be noticable to everyone else around me.  

If I were on the show for my house, at this point, the smell of putrifying garbage would be noticeable and the health department would be called.  

But people don't generally tell other people that they are fat.   Unless that person is a doctor or a spouse who is trying to be "helpful."  

Most of the time, however, it is not helpful because the fat person already knows that they are fat.   Heavy people are fighting their own battles internally ~ guilt, addiction, self-control battles, shame ~  and to have the outward manifestations of their battles pointed out causes more anxiety on top of what she is already experiencing. 

I saw an acupuncturist this week.   I have realized, however, I can only have so many things done TO me before I need to do things to myself.   

I have been trying to incorporate at least 20 minute walks into my daily routine.  

But... this 20 minute walk thing is really unnerving to me because it is SO far from where I have been.  

I have been a runner, and the 20 minute walk thing is SO UNBELIEVABLY lame.  

Like an ass, I tried to walk with no socks on a few days ago, and it created a blister on the back of my heel that now makes it impossible for me to wear real shoes, even WITH bandages and socks.   Now I am hobbling like a cripple, let alone trying to walk a mile.   

Again, so LAME.  

I am seeing a new doctor next week.  He is doctor of osteopath, and he does adjustments.   He is an hour away; I am willing to drive to see a good doctor.    

I am  looking forward to it....as if all of my problems ~ blood pressure, addictions, depression, could be solved by a spinal manipulation.  

I am also dreading it at the same time.... because I have to see a new doctor who is probably going to be like, "What the HELL is up with your weight?"  

I want to say "I don't understand what is happening to me, what is happening to my metabolism, my body and my mind have gone absolutely haywire."  

My ultimate goal is to be off all of my medication.  I think that a D.O. will get that more than my regular M.D.   

I recently watched Forks Over Knives and I feel that it is possible with diet.    I have "The China Study" coming to me in the mail.  

I tried to eat a meat free diet yesterday, with beans, etc.  I finally caved at about 9pm and inhaled several chicken tenderloins.    I think back with clarity ~ as one does, always, in hindsight:  I should have just gone to bed.  

I wanted to write this because this is definitely my low.   

I want to remember this week ~ put it out there and make my struggle public.

It's an accountablity thing.