Two years ago at this very moment, I had just shat myself on a delivery room table.
My helpful husband informed me of this.
I probably did it with the first two kids, but no one felt compelled to let me know. It was information that I had been blissfully ignorant about for years and years.
Upon my mortified further investigation, it apparently happens all the time. Often enough to not receive a big reaction from the doctor.
Because he ALSO let me know that the doctor was "very professional" about the whole thing.
"She was very matter-of-fact and professional about it," explained my husband. The doctor apparently did her job well. As in, didn't gag or barf .
The last two years have been very different with a baby girl. And because she is very vocal, our house has also been very loud.
I recently heard of an old wives' tale that girls "steal your beauty." I completely buy into it.
"What's up with your face," my brother asked today as he gave me a hug. He visited , along with my parents, to celebrate Maggie's birthday.
"What do you mean?"
He gestured to my forehead area. "That whole thing."
"I've had this for TWO years," I explained.
I didn't add that it was caused by the oral contraceptives that I had to take after Maggie was born, because it would probably freak him out.
Another fact that people don't generally disclose (along with the unpleasantness of crapping during childbirth): Oral contraceptives can make you fugly and make people wonder to themselves "What the frack is wrong with her skin?"
Except, apparently, for immediate family members. I suppose they are supposed to point out the obvious ~ the food in the teeth, the booger in the nose, the dark spots on the skin. You know, helpful stuff like that.
I made a mental note to hound my doctor for some industrial strength fade cream.
Another obvious change after the birth of my daughter were my tastes in food.
I would hum and practically acheive nirvana when I dove into a pint of Cherry Garcia. Now I get a similar reaction feta cheese and soy sauce.
I ask for extra jalapenos; I eat sauerkraut "just because~" I don't even need a polish sausage, although that scenario would be highly preferable.
I honestly think I would stick my face in a vat of full-fat, chunky blue cheese salad dressing if it wouldn't ruin my fine reputation as a completely rational, sane person. It would also probably cause undue horror and result in social suicide.
In addition to the skin and cravings, I have a new relationship with deodorant powder. I also "get" the leaky faucet bladder commercials on television.
But Maggie is a joy. She has brought a breath of fresh air to our house.
She has given us a new sense of unity and brought our family closer together.
She's a brilliant, sweet and beautiful little girl who loves balloons, Elmo and pickles. She squeals with joy and has her own language.
Hopefully we'll speak the same one very soon, because I want to understand her thoughts and her dreams.
I want to protect her and not let the world in to chip away at the innocence that God gave her.
I want to watch her, now, as she sleeps in her crib filled with silky blankets and her favorite stuffed animals and dolls.
I want to thank God for our special gift that was sent to us two years ago today.