Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Martha Stewart Show Exacerbates My Sense of Inadequacy

Every morning, I wake up, make a pot of decaf coffee, turn on Good Morning America and check my e-mail.

I watch GMA and the local news updates. I muse at how cheery Diane, Robin, Sam and Chris are and wonder if they go home and kick their dogs and verbally abuse their spouses. If I had to put in that much effort to be happy in the morning, I think I might be guilty of those offenses at a MINIMUM.

After the two hours is up, I participate in the phenomenon that network television stations have probably spent countless hours and money researching: I am too lazy to turn the channel so I get sucked into the next television show ~ The Martha Stewart Show.

Instead of turning the channel, I watch her mad skills of the likes I could never aspire to. Today she made a Menorah out of some driftwood. She makes cookies that would probably make me weep out of frustration if I tried to make them myself. She decorates cupcakes which reminds me that it has been 1 hour since I had breakfast and I am suddenly starving and would love a cupcake. I might add a boxed cake mix and canned frosting to my grocery list.

While talking to Emeril as they were brining the turkey for Thanksgiving, she mentioned that she used to be a chemist...and from what I know of her, she used to be a stock broker, too. Here is a woman who can presumably butcher her own turkeys; yet can speak intelligently about the molecular modulation as it pertains to the brining of a turkey and can also tell us, probably with a bit of authority and a lot of arrogance, more than a little about economics and the stock market.

Yes, I suck.

I still make my family Hamburger Helper. Once, as a side dish, I made ramen noodles with cheese (which was actually quite tasty). Wesley had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner the other night. My coffee pot overflowed this morning and there are coffee grounds on the counter. My decorations are minimalist and unoriginal. My cookies are undecorated lumps. I'm not Jewish, but even if I was, I would go out and buy a Menorah rather than forage for the perfect stick to put the little candles on and spray paint silver. I don't know anything about economics, or turkeys, and honestly? From what I remember, I just about killed myself to get out of taking a chemistry class. I chose journalism because it required the least amount of math.

Maybe I am just going through a phase and a creativity bug will hit me. Maybe I will become more well rounded and informed as I become older and wiser. The only part of Martha Stewart I can identify with at this point in my life is that she is supposedly a raging bitch. If you ask my family they would probably tell you the same thing about me on any given weekday morning.

At least it is something...


The Mom of 'em said...

re: the 2nd to last paragraph....that's EXACTLY why I love ya. (and I, too chose journalism/PR because it had NO math requirement) =-)

Cristy said...

Martha is unmarried and has one child who is in her company with her. Although she seems perfect she's just like the rest of us but with a staff to help her make all that crap.
I'm sure she's verbally abusive and hey, look on the bright side. You've never been to prison.
I second the math part!!

Beth said...

You are so so funny! You helped to bring me out of my a.m. crankiness:)

Anonymous said...

Please NEVER stop writing! You are a breath of fresh air and make me laugh in the midst of a "near depression"!!!

Love you!