Friday, September 26, 2008

Panty Lines and Farting in Public

This morning one of my online friends mentioned she was afraid of having panty lines.

That got me thinking about how NOT worried I was about that anymore. My granny panties probably have lines bigger than a Soviet bread line but I really don’t care. Back in the day, I might have worn a thong but now the thought of doing that now makes me cringe. On my list of things to do, wearing a thong to eliminate unsightly panty lines HAS to be at the very bottom.

My apathy towards panty lines got me thinking about the other things that I don’t care about anymore, and the list is frighteningly long.

I have started farting in public. Once upon a time, I would have imploded before I did such a thing, but now I just let it rip. This actually started when I was pregnant because, well, one might expect a ginormous pregnant lady to let one or two slip out every once in a while. But now, I have continued this because really…what better to blame foul smells and errant sounds on than a helpless baby who is unable defend herself?

I don’t care any more about where I buy my clothes. I march directly to the plus size department because elastic waists and flowing silhouettes remind me of my favorite things EVER: maternity clothes. As soon as I could (without looking like a complete freak) I traded in my low-waisted, J Crew boot cut denim pants for velour tracksuits.

I don’t care if I have worn the same clothes four days in a row – as long as I change my granny panties daily and the spit up stains are in inconspicuous places, why not? Okay…actually, I lied. Even if the stains ARE quite obvious that is okay, too, as long as long as I am toting the baby with me so people can see that I am obviously a fairly new mom and getting thrown up on is just par for the course.

I guess I have other things that are more important to care about at this point in my life: making sure the baby is happy, keeping a reasonably clean house, not letting the children starve.

I hope that one day I will care a little bit more. I know that deep within me is someone who usually isn’t like this ~ someone who used to care about her appearance, who exercised five to six days a week (vigorously, mind you!), who said “no” to cake and/or candy bars, who wore un-elasticized pants.

The baby turns five months tomorrow so maybe that would be a good time to pull myself together, put my game face on and start making a bit more of an effort.


Kelly Moore said...

Oh, you have sooo much longer before you are expected to pull yourself together. My youngest is 18 months old, and I'm still living a very happy thong- and treadmill-free lifestyle.

JustKelly said...

Oh I just love you Mary Ann! I could have so written this blog post myself.....I'm not ready to trade in my elastic pants yet though!

Cristy said...

Elastic pants rock!! Who changes their clothes??? he he he..
It is funny when you go out and realize you have a big "kid" stain on your shirt...**eye roll**

Tom and Margit said...

I love this post! It cracked me up so much :)

Tom and Margit said...

I love this post. It is hilarious and I was cracking up.