It's An Accountability Thing

I am  a walking health disaster.   It's embarrassing.

I feel like those people on the show Hoarders, but the "house" is my body.  And the mess that I have been trying to keep hidden for so long has started to spill out and be noticable to everyone else around me.  

If I were on the show for my house, at this point, the smell of putrifying garbage would be noticeable and the health department would be called.  

But people don't generally tell other people that they are fat.   Unless that person is a doctor or a spouse who is trying to be "helpful."  

Most of the time, however, it is not helpful because the fat person already knows that they are fat.   Heavy people are fighting their own battles internally ~ guilt, addiction, self-control battles, shame ~  and to have the outward manifestations of their battles pointed out causes more anxiety on top of what she is already experiencing. 

I saw an acupuncturist this week.   I have realized, however, I can only have so many things done TO me before I need to do things to myself.   

I have been trying to incorporate at least 20 minute walks into my daily routine.  

But... this 20 minute walk thing is really unnerving to me because it is SO far from where I have been.  

I have been a runner, and the 20 minute walk thing is SO UNBELIEVABLY lame.  

Like an ass, I tried to walk with no socks on a few days ago, and it created a blister on the back of my heel that now makes it impossible for me to wear real shoes, even WITH bandages and socks.   Now I am hobbling like a cripple, let alone trying to walk a mile.   

Again, so LAME.  

I am seeing a new doctor next week.  He is doctor of osteopath, and he does adjustments.   He is an hour away; I am willing to drive to see a good doctor.    

I am  looking forward to it....as if all of my problems ~ blood pressure, addictions, depression, could be solved by a spinal manipulation.  

I am also dreading it at the same time.... because I have to see a new doctor who is probably going to be like, "What the HELL is up with your weight?"  

I want to say "I don't understand what is happening to me, what is happening to my metabolism, my body and my mind have gone absolutely haywire."  

My ultimate goal is to be off all of my medication.  I think that a D.O. will get that more than my regular M.D.   

I recently watched Forks Over Knives and I feel that it is possible with diet.    I have "The China Study" coming to me in the mail.  

I tried to eat a meat free diet yesterday, with beans, etc.  I finally caved at about 9pm and inhaled several chicken tenderloins.    I think back with clarity ~ as one does, always, in hindsight:  I should have just gone to bed.  

I wanted to write this because this is definitely my low.   

I want to remember this week ~ put it out there and make my struggle public.

It's an accountablity thing.  

"Such a Pretty Fat" and Taking Pictures of Lip Gloss

I have no less than five books going at the moment, one of which is "Such a Pretty Fat," by Jen Lancaster.

I am more motivated to finish this book because it is on another member's wish list on my PaperBackSwap.com site.  

And I'm a whore for book credits on PBS.com now, especially since my sixteen year old sent me a list of like, THIRTY, books he must read over the summer for school.  (Only ONE of which ~ Soulless, by Gail Carriger ~ I own. )

"Take him to the LIBRARY," you quip, all innocent of my devastating personality flaw which prevents me from returning ANYTHING to ANYONE  in a reasonable amount of time.  

(Note to YOU:  Don't loan me anything.)

Thirty books is a lot to barter  and/or  buy, however,  so I think that I might  drop him off at the front door of the library with some I.D. and a piece of mail with his name on it and pray there won't be a "responsible adult" question on the library card application form.    

I'm really enjoying Jen Lancaster's book.  Mostly because she has as many ~ if not more ~ character flaws than I do.    

I'm about half way through it and in it, she attempts to lose weight in order to write this particular book.  And  while attempting to do so, does a lot of introspection and talking about shoes and her highlights.  She is acerbic,  neurotic and funny.      

Actually, this excerpt grabbed me because the idea about "having one's shit together" by 30-something is something that I TOTALLY thought would happen, too.

I'm still waiting  for it to happen...and now that 40 is looming, I am thinking that "getting one's stuff together" might be not so much the passive thing that I had thought it would be.  Perhaps it something that requires much more work than I had originally anticipated....  

"I'm almost out of my thirties.  I always thought I'd have my shit together by now; I'd be thin, I'd be out of debt, I'd be nice out of habit and not just when I wanted something, and maybe I'd own a home.  Yet here I am hurtling toward the big four-oh in an overpriced rental with student loans and a paltry savings account, and when someone calls me a fat bitch, I simply accept it as a fact.  

Right now, I can live with being a renter.  I can live with being broke and fat, and I can live with being a bitch,  but the minute you add "middle-aged" to the equation, I'm afraid my world is going to collapse on itself like a dying star."    Jen Lancaster ~ Such a Pretty Fat

I'm still flailing and flopping around like a fish out of water with this damn weight thing, too.  

I did well for about two weeks about two months ago, but I hurt my foot and literally limped for a month.  For two days I was able to put no weight on it at all.  I thought it was gout at first, then the doctor thought it might be a stress fracture.  

After x-rays, and examination, she declared it to be neither.  

"So how's that imaginary foot thing going for you," Chris likes to ask.  

"It's not freaking imaginary, CHRIS,"  I shoot back.  "I hurts like a mo-fo, and I can't exercise."  

So, my weight has creeped up again, and I am looking at styles of clothing and ticking them off in my head  as unwearable.   

"Belted.  Can't wear that." 

"Jersey cotton.  Clingy.  Can't wear that."  

"Flounced waistline.  Will look effing BOVINE."  

So, I am tired of it.  I really am.   

I sucked it up and joined Weight Watchers online tonight.  The ONLINE thing is a baby step, and I don't think it will go past that online part...but I don't know.   Doing nothing isn't getting me very far .  Left to my own devices, I will be the next one kicked off of an airplane.  

I am not to be trusted with food, alcohol, and credit at Sephora.  Or any cosmetic counter.  

Any lip gloss display will do; I turn into the Tasmanian Devil.   

My el freako thing lately is that I have been taking   pictures of my lips wearing the lip glosses/lipstick and writing reviews on MakeUpAlley.com.  I take GREAT DELIGHT in doing so.  It makes me SO happy.

Why, in fact, here is one of my newest pictures ~ a Bare Escentuals lipstick in Sherbert.  

As you can see, as a nude color,  "Sherbert" barely shows up on my skin.  But then you add Pink Prosecco lip gloss, and VOILA!  

Wearable!

Dudes, seriously.

I know I am all worldly,  completely sane and intriguing and all.  But I'm taken.    Today was my eleven year anniversary.  I KNOW, right.  He's made it that long, married to me.    I'm sure when he reads this post, he'll question his decision to marry me for the millionth time in eleven years..

I'll keep you informed about the Weight Watchers thing.  And about the lip gloss colors, if you want to know.  Hehehe. 

So, since I joined tonight and will start tomorrow, I MUST finish off this bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and tortilla chips.  Oh, and there was that peach cobbler I made for dessert last night.  OH...and that Godiva Chocolate mint candy bar that I was forced to buy because Maggie took a bite out of it at Dillards department store....and that Cadbury Easter egg I bought on clearance....oooooooooooohhhhhhh.

Dr. Oz and Fatties

I watched Dr. Oz today. I usually don't watch him because he is an Oprah Minion.

Although I spent about ten years liking Oprah and watching her show, my opinion has changed fairly recently. Now I mostly want to punch her in the face.

Therefore ~fair or not ~ my feelings about her trickle down to the causes, books, and/or people she endorses.

Despite of this, Dr. Oz was fairly inspiring to me today.

He didn't drag out any new information; it was mostly a review of his appearance on the Oprah show several years ago when the "YOU" book first came out.

Today he discussed his magic blueberry smoothies, how one should eliminate the hydrogenated oils, syrups, red meats from her diet. He whipped out the cadaver omentum.

One little depressing-as-hell snippet he shared was that 2% of people who lose weight actually are successful in keeping it off. The glaring, come-to-Jesus lesson of this little factoid is: DO NOT GET FAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I want to take expectant mothers, shake them and tell them to keep their cravings under control. No, you won't die if you don't have that pint of Cherry Garcia. No, you aren't going to stab your husband in the eye if you don't get that Chinese food.

Have a salad. Drink a big glass of water or a cup of hot tea. But don't gain sixty pounds if you can absolutely help it.

This would be good advice to take myself, too. I am obviously not good at taking advice as is apparent by my health right now.

My next appointment with my doctor for the blood pressure issue is February 22. I desperately want to be in a better place physically by then. It's approximately five to six weeks away. It feels bleak.

I'm going to work at it though.

I'm also taking his 9" plate recommendation. I just think that a smaller dinner plate a good idea in general.

We'll see. I'll report how life is when February 22 rolls around.