Dingleberries and Sucker Punches

I'm sitting here in my bedroom, the refuge.

Sounds of canned farts and "umphs" are wafting in from the family room. Someone's nose is inevitably being broken from being nailed point blank by the Sucker Punch on "Wipeout."

Along with school starting, I am reminded of another welcome effect of Fall: a new television season starting and no more Wipeout. It's currently on a hundred times per week. I am SURE of it.

I am feeling like a bit of a failure today, for a great number of reasons. I won't go in to all of them here...just a few.

I was on fire last week with my running. I really was. I bought those Under Armour clothes and everything. I was tooting along with my 3.25 miles and inserting this fact into everyday conversations with people, like the check out clerks at Publix.

"Hi, how are you today," the clerk would ask.

"I am great! Fantastic," I would say, enthusiastically. "I'm training for a 5k, then a marathon, and today...TODAY, I ran 3.25 miles."

Okay, so I didn't say it exactly like that, but I did work it into conversations and Facebook updates. I know, totally annoying.

But I completely recognize that I am one of those annoying people who do that, and in a way, I think it makes it all right. Don't you agree? It's the people who DON'T know that they are annoying, who are the MOST annoying. I recognize it and own it. I think my husband would disagree....but I think he is one of those annoying people who doesn't KNOW he is annoying yet. He thinks he is cool. So...he sort of doesn't count.

I digress.

But my running THIS week? Oy.

PSYCH, to the chubby jiggly wannabe posing in the overpriced Under Armour gear.

The two times I have actually MADE it to the gym this week, I have limped along to two miles. I then came home and ate a bottle of blue cheese (mixed with some honest to goodness real crumbled blue cheese chunks for good measure) with garlic and cheese Texas Toast croutons mixed in.

OR, tomato soup (which isn't too bad, except I have high blood pressure).

OR, three pieces of fried chicken and three helpings of mashed potatoes with gravy last night when my mamma came and helped out with the kids.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I shouldn't have done that. You know that voice that is in your head that tells you not to do something in which you are in the process of fixin' to do?

It goes something like, "No! No! Stop it! Don't do it! Don't! Don't! Don't! Don't do it! Nothing good will come of it! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Then you do it anyway? And you are all like "Ah, damnnnnnnnnnn, that voice was so right. She is always right, nothing good came of it. I feel like a piece of shit now."

I think that voice? Her name is Willpower. It is something which I have zero of . I mean...this chick tries, but I blow her off, like 99% of the time. I don't even know why she says anything to me. Dumb beeeyotch.

I heard her all during pregnancy. She was like, "NO! Don't eat that pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia! Don't do it! Don't! Don't!" And I did. And it was all bad and I gained sixty pounds.

So, the other failure I have had today is that I saw a palmetto bug ~ a freaking COCKROACH ~ if you will, in my house this morning.

At first I though it was a dingleberry that fell off of the dog's butt because I had just taken him out and he had taken a crap.

The dog was super interested in it, and I was like, "Oh, damn. I have to pick that piece of shit up off of the carpet. Gross."

Then the piece of shit MOVED.

Then I put my glasses on.

It was a cockroach!!!!!

And I was really not happy for several reasons, the first being that we have a pest control service that is SUPPOSED to be taking care of these things for us. I know that they can't control everything, but since they have come, we have had an influx of some wicked little urchins called "earwigs," which are apparently harmless, but they are crazy ugly.

We have also had some ants. And some spiders. And Maggie has woke up with bites on her legs, which I am not 100% convinced were not there before she went to bed, but still.

So, the pest control service is not doing the job to the best of the ability that I believe that they should. We should see NO pests. ESPECIALLY not a cockroach.

Another reason I am not happy about this is that I am actually striving to be a little bit better about cleaning up. I am cleaning up dishes, taking trash out, cleaning up floors. I have about five different vacuums in my possession and I use them fairly regularly, inside and outside of my house, AND I change the bags in them and/or dump the contents (in the case of the shop vac) quite often. So, cockroaches are unacceptable.

I told Chris about it when he called to see how the children were behaving (another source of feeling like a failure). He echoed my thoughts on how happy he was that the pest control service was coming out tomorrow, as he had called them yesterday about the earwigs and the ants.

"And I am really upset about the cockroach," I continued, "because you know I have been trying to keep things cleaner since we got the dog."

There was silence. SILENCE.

Which leads me to believe that he doesn't share my thoughts on this and doesn't make me feel good.

My bed is feeling really super comfortable and I think a nap may be in order. There are no more farting noises. Wipeout is over; Shaq Vs. is now on. Another summer winner.

Dear God, I will weep with joy when school starts next week. I don't know how homeschool moms do it. I am hiding in my bedroom right now, emotionally broken and bleeding, and it has been not even three months since school let out in June.

But I won't complain about this topic anymore because my husband tells me that everyone has "gotten it" by now that they drive me nuts. I just will re-iterate my gratitude for the public school system.

Nap time out.